The Bingeless Beginner

My internship’s been okay, but tiring because I’m not used to working 40 hours a week. In the past I’ve worked maximum maybe 17 hours each week, summertimes included.
But it keeps me occupied and brings in the moneyz and food rarely crosses my mind, really. Unless I’m legitimately hungry, I don’t seem to think about it. 
I just noticed today that I’ve been binge-free for 8 days. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long, somehow. But I mean that in a good way. The days are passing, I’m eating well, and doing just fine.

That said, I felt really weird at work today. For a few hours it felt like my heart was beating really fast and my body felt achey. Almost as if I was really anxious or stressed or something. But when I tried to break it down in my head, I knew there was absolutely nothing at my job that should have upset me: I’m left alone in my little space to do my work in peace. I’m not being hounded or rushed. Granted, I’m not sure if I’m doing everything properly, but I didn’t consciously feel that anxious. And the feeling lasted for hours. It was exhausting. I just wanted to collapse somewhere. I’d definitely eaten enough that morning (I’ve been having overnight oats every damn day now) and drank more than enough water and tea. Weird. I felt better later in the day, though.

Also, I’ve been on a couple of good dates with this guy now so that’s nice. And I’m planning on making it to the gym after work tomorrow, so I’m looking forward to that. I went on Sunday and am trying to maybe start a workout schedule again.

30down30more:

Red lipstick makes me feel like I could cut a man’s heart out with a high heel shoe and fucking eat it.

You either know what I’m talking about or you don’t haha

1. molly842 said: I think u made the right decision :) I changed uni courses 2 years ago and although I got no credit from my last course I have no regrets. I have new friends and love what I’m studying. It takes time to settle in though. So be patient :)
   IGNORE
2. truly-gone-fishing said: I think you’re really brave and smart for doing that, and if it helps your recovery, then it was by all means the right decision. <3

Thanks, you guys. :)
And I’m glad everything worked out for you, Molly. :D I’ll try to be patient, though patience is admittedly not a strong suit of mine.

I keep trying to convince myself that switching schools was worth it. It doesn’t feel worth it right now.
I made the decision to transfer the day after I’d had a massive binge, and of course felt horribly depressed due to the sugar crash. It’s said that you’re not supposed to make big decisions when you feel bad, but I did. I made a huge decision when I felt incredibly bad.

It’s too late now and it sucks. Though I’m willing to admit there are pros and cons to each school and it’s not totally one-sided. I wish more people in my life would affirm for me that I made the right choice. My parents do, but I guess I need more than that sometimes.

Some days it’s a conscious effort not to feel a strong pang of buyer’s remorse. I doubted my decision for a while, but I doubt it so much more now that I know I have to take ~2 more years’ worth of classes that I thought I would be exempt from.

I just have to keep telling myself what the adults I know have been telling me (parents, therapist, brilliant family friends):
-there is nothing regrettable about being a more educated human being;
-there is no rush to finish college;
-you are not in a race with your peers to get to the job market;
-people you know who finished in the standard 4 years ages ago STILL aren’t working in their field and still work at a mall. There is no rush. 

Amen.