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Things that made today not suck:
-got to school early and scored a 1 1/2 hour nap in one of the big comfy lounge chairs.
-MRI shows that I don’t have cancer wooOOOoooOOOOoo
(although the doctor has to look at it again to figure out what the problem actually is; still uncertain)
-got a bunch of term paper writing done
-finally bought me some black nail polish because I just remembered how chic I feel with dark nails.
Had a weird binge-type incident and that makes me feel uneasy. But tomorrow’s a new day and I have an interview and it’s gonna be great goddamnit.
Have officially decided to grow my hair back out.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m really glad that I took the risk and cut it super short. Showers are way shorter and I’ve saved an insane amount of money on hair products.
But in the end, I miss the standard femininity of longer hair. Damn shame that mine barely grows past my shoulders, though.
Talked to my boyfriend. He says that I shouldn’t count today as a binge day because I didn’t keep scavenging and eating other things after the macadamia nuts. I’m inclined to think that he’s right.
I don’t really classify binges by calorie content; macadamia nuts are naturally high in calories so it’s easy peasy to down 1000+ calories of them. The important thing is that after I ate them, I didn’t go to the store again and I didn’t tear my house apart looking for passable noms.
dont you ever, EVER call a girl fat or chubby or thick or big boned or large or meaty or anything like that because you’ll forget seconds later but she will remember 10 years later when shes throwing up her lunch in the toilet, your name, where it happened, what the weather was like, the time it happened, and exactly what you said. and it will haunt her for the rest of her life.
Fat, chubby, thick, and large shouldn’t be insults. Why shouldn’t fat, chubby, thick or large be compatible with beauty?!
But what is the point of using them as insults to destroy someone’s self confidence?
"Fat" shouldn’t be considered an insult just like "skinny" shouldn’t be considered a compliment; they’re just adjectives denoting physical size. And, of course, one’s physical size is not an indication of one’s character.
There are far worse things to be than fat.
Still feeling absolutely exhausted, even though I took a nap earlier.
My doctor couldn’t access my MRI results for some reason, so he’s calling me back in a few days. Apparently 2 bones in my back are fused, which isn’t inherently bad. But right now they still don’t know why my shoulder blade hurts like it does; I’ll probably need to go to a shoulder specialist.
Also, out of a mix of sleepiness and stress, I ate ~1600 calories worth of chocolate covered macadamia nuts. Part of me does not even give a shit. Part of me still doesn’t consider it a binge because if it were, I would have purchased a lot more junk while I was at the store buying them. I would never stop at one thing. I dunno. Maybe I should just give it up and say that I binged. Either way, I got through 12 days binge-free.
We live in a world where it’s more acceptable to dislike yourself and openly say “I am ugly” rather than actually appreciate yourself and openly say “I am attractive” because how dare you feel good in your skin and say it out loud, what an awful human being you are, you can’t walk around thinking you’re good, you piece of shit.
Feeling so tired. I just want to stay and bed and sleep, but I have to leave the house early to go to the doctor to find out about my MRI results. Pleh.
On an unrelated note, my dad bought candy cane green tea from Trader Joe’s. It smells really good, if not borderline sickenly sweet. I really need to count, but we must have 15+ varieties of tea in the house right now.
Where’s you get those jeans? I love them
Oh thank you! I think they look odd in the picture, but I love them. They’re BDG jeans from Urban Outfitters :)
…cuffed because they’re too long on me. heh
Things that made today not suck:
-spent the evening with a friend of mine (as well as 2 of his friends). He moved away in July to do a fellowship, so I never get to see him anymore. He was back in town for the weekend to interview at one of the hospitals here. I hope he gets the position because that would mean he’d be back in my city and we’d get to hang out again.
We used to sleep together but it’s not really important
On another, suckier note, I did no schoolwork for the past 3 days. Which is so dumb of me because finals. Whenever I think about writing the remaining 80% of my final paper, I just want to crawl under my covers and not come out. It’ll all be over in 9 days. Just gotta push through.
commission: how-to guide on being a bomb ass chick, go
1. every bad-ass lady needs a good shade of lipstick. i don’t care if you wear any other make up. i don’t care what color it is. but pick one that makes you feel like a knife wielding goddess and you’re ready to go.
2. take risks. small ones. cross the street when the light says stop but there’s no cars coming your way. buy a pair of shoes that you have nowhere to wear, but make you feel amazing. get your hair cut in a pixie style at least once. buy hats if you don’t like it. pretend you do.
3. care about what people think, not because their opinions are more important than yours but so that you know when it comes down to it, who has your back and who has your front. when you’re standing between an ax murderer/Nice Guy and the girl who likes to call you a slut, figure out which one’s going to be more painful. run.
4. find something you’re interested in and educate yourself. watch tutorials on youtube, take a class, get a hot tutor that reminds you of adam brody in the oc and flirt with his sister. get good at it. brag about it. be proud of yourself.
5. buy a mirror that’s flattering. check out your ass. buy lingerie that makes you feel sexy even if you’re the only one who gets to see it. especially if you’re the only one who gets to see it. dance around in it.
6. if you menstruate and have a smartphone. download a free period tracker. let it remind you to stock up on advil and chocolate. on those days, take a hot bath. play your favorite song on repeat. get angry at people more attractive than you. sleep. eat. take care of yourself.
7. be aware of the fact that you’re not going to be happy or confident or strong all the time. it’s okay. have faith in the fact that you can be happy and confident and strong. have faith in the stone cold truth that you are an awesome person. if you’re still having trouble, put on some lipstick. i promise, it helps.
8. find a female role model. find a role model that doesn’t define them-self in the male/female gender binary. find someone that believes in good things for good people. find someone who believe in someone like you.
9. love yourself. give yourself pleasure. don’t be afraid to keep on all the lights when you strip down and touch your ankles. kiss who you want to kiss. have sex with whomever you please. respecting yourself comes down to one single thing and that is you. don’t you ever let someone tell you that you don’t love yourself the way i know you do.
10. believe in love. not for romance or for money or for material things. believe in the kind of love that makes little kids want to hold hands. the kind of love that makes you feel safe. believe in the love that lets you eat a whole pint of ice cream in one go and refuses to let you hate yourself. believe in that kind of love. the love for you and people like you. the love for queens and their knights in stilettos, knife-wielding goddesses, and self-confident pole dancers. believe in the love for bomb ass chicks.
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